Transgender Day of Visibility

How weird is it that we have a day just about being seen? There are two transgender, “Holidays” and this is the happier of the two. It is kind of like Pride Day but for trans folk so nowhere near as fabulous.

So, I am back on estrogen after a three month delay. Yay.

What is it like? Well, I was paying extra close attention this time and I am sorry to report that it doesn’t feel like much.

The presence of estrogen is not hugely noticeable. I felt empty before and now I feel like I am filling up with defenses against dysphoria. That is good but I really wish there were more to it. I wish it made an interesting story. It doesn’t.

I felt emotionally numb and now, all my emotions are crashing back into my body and mind. It isn’t as fun as it sounds. Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss, you know?

My brain works too well at times, and sometimes I feel like I can see everything about something all at once. It is frightening and hard to trust after so many years of mental and emotional turmoil. I know I am either on the verge of a huge breakthrough or a giant breakdown.

In the midst of all this, North Carolina passed the most sweeping anti-trans bill in the nation. Even though I do not live there, it effects me. The constant comparison between Trans people, pedofiles and rapists. It is seeping out from The South and into every other region. The level of hatred and distrust towards people like me is on the rise.

Have you ever felt everyone in a room watch you get up and walk to the bathroom? Eep!

When it feels like the whole world is insisting you are crazy, how does one stay sane? It is a tall fucking order.

How does one remain the voice of reason in such an unreasonable world?

I feel broken and I don’t know if I can ever be fixed.

I wish we had a Trans Day of Invisibility sometimes.

This post was a bit of a brain drain. My next one will be far more substantial. I am just, not in a good place, you know?

Aloha,
Tori