Being accepted as trans can be a struggle, even amongst the LGBT community. Much of it is rooted in miscommunication and misunderstanding. It is ironic how much understanding transition brings me, at the cost of others failing to understand me as a trans woman.
It really does not matter if you are in a minority or in the majority, bullying begets bullying, and trans folk fall so low on the discriminatory totem pole, there are not many people left to bully but our own self. Walk a mile in my heels and you will understand, I am sure. Then again, I bet most of you know better, because society has already told you what the general consensus happens to be when it comes to trans folk like me.
For my own safety, I have begrudgingly lumbered like a bull dyke back into my China closet. I HATE it, but I am insolvent, unemployed, and I do not know enough about the community I have moved to, to go in guns a blazin’, and paint the town trans. Fortunately my head is in a good place, so the need to hide myself externally is not overwhelming my ability to be myself internally. I guess guy clothes are like my burka right now.
I hate it. I have made so much progress this last year, only to be set back like this, and there is nothing I can really do about it right now. I have to bide my time and hide my shame.
Now, several people have told me, “Nobody is stopping you.” including my wife. I appreciate what they are saying and I appreciate the support.
I am just learning to trust my female intuition and it tells me this is neither the time nor the place to be flamboyant with my transition. I am stuck here, out of necessity, and by God, it better be short term.
I overheard a conversation last night where a guy was talking about how he’d recently been hit on by a gay man. Everybody with him rolled their eyes in understanding. He went on to say the gay guy came up to him like, “‘Hi-ee, what are YOU doing here?'” in a stereotypically effeminate voice, “So, I set him straight.” he went on to say.
My first thought was, “Well, I doubt you set him STRAIGHT.” and my next, “What does that even mean? Set him straight? Did you reject him or beat the shit out of him?” then, “Does this gap-toothed douche-nozzle even know the difference between being hit on, and someone just trying to spark a conversation?” and finally, “Is he just saying this because I am near, and he can tell I do not fit the norm?”
The need for men to be masculine here, is ingrained in the culture.
I heard similar things in Hawaii, but only rarely and typically in hushed tones. Here, that type of thinking gets socially reinforced by folks all the time, to the point where gays stay underground, and still there are pricks so insecure in their masculinity, that they have to prove how un-gay they are by telling stupid stories like that one. I mean, how dare that gay guy even talk to him!?!
And I realize, homosexual people frequently disregard trans folk while trans folk are left looking up to them on the fucking discrimination totem pole. It is time to say the obligatory, “Not all homosexuals.” I have SO many supportive people in my life and many of them are so far from straight, they look like a spiral.
I also realize, within this group that guy was telling his story to, was one very good looking female. Sure, I could see her agreeing with him, at least externally, but I imagined she was also thinking, “Get over it, dude. I get unwanted advances all the time and I have to navigate them without being seen as a total bitch!”
But yeah, in past posts, including one about the TERFS (trans exclusionary radical feminists) and another about the use of the word, “Tranny” in gay circles, I have already explored how there are some very vocal groups within the homosexual community who are happy to keep trans people below them. Bullying begets bullying.
In spite of all this horse shit, I am discovering something. Unlike that homophobic turd, I am finally and totally secure in my own masculinity. I guess that is an unexpected perk of finally embracing my true femininity. It is a luxury most men, including many gay men, may never have.