No Man’s Land

I recently moved back to the mainland with my wife. I for the most part think location makes little difference on one’s state of mind. It is possible to be miserable in Hawaii and it is possible to be blissful in North Korea.

And yet, this has been a tough move. I have been uprooted. My wife knows people here, she grew up here, I am new. I feel like a burden.

Usually when I post, I like to focus on the positive and interesting aspects of transition but I am not feeling it today.

Today, I feel like a freak, living life between what everybody else seems to fall into. Transition often leaves me wondering, “What the fuck am I?”

In spite of my dysphoria, life as a man was pretty damn simple. I knew where I fit in. I didn’t like it particularly but I knew my lot in life.

Now, as a person in transition, I have given up the comfort of being male. It isn’t like I can just slide into being female, no matter how much I wish I could. It is a literal no man’s land.

Transition is such a mental thing. People focus on the physical far too much. Let’s face it, almost everybody is fascinated and repulsed by the surgery.

People do not usually ask me if I plan on having the surgery. It is far more common that I am asked things like, “Do you want to chop your dick off?”

Think about that for a moment. What kind of loaded question is that?

People focus on the physical.

“Why would you transition to become a middle aged lady?”

“You won’t be pretty.”

Gaaaaa!!!

It is people’s comments, not my looks that can keep me up at night.

“I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Whatever floats your boat.”

Thanks for the backhanded support… comments like this are frequent. Roughly translated it means, “I think it is weird what you are doing and I am judging you for doing it but I won’t get in your way. Don’t look to me for help either.” Thanks.

Some days I just don’t want the hassle. I want to blend in. Some days, I like being different and standing out, which is a good thing because that is my current lot in life. It can be SO taxing though.

My God! Any cisgender people reading this blog, try this for me. Tell everyone you meet that you are the opposite gender that people see you as. Do it for one day. Be diligent. Insist people call you by the correct pronouns.

I know none of you will do this. It is too much of a hassle. It is an inconvenience to all the people around you. It would make you feel weird.

Welcome to my life. I am in a bizarre situation where I just have to let it slide if someone calls me Tommy or he. It would be rude of me to correct them every time. It would make those people uncomfortable and defensive. It would make them feel like I do every single day.

Living in a new place, trying to make a new life, really drives the point home. I am an imposition.

Obviously, I am not supposed to give a fuck. Just live life. The less I care the less others care but that shit takes practice. It is mentally taxing until I get the hang of it.

Some days I just don’t want do deal with it.

There is so much bullshit involved in being female. Imagine getting your crash course in being female at 40. Imagine being a woman with an asterisk.

There is a long way for me to go. It isn’t always rainbows and sprinkles.

Thanks for reading, I feel a bit better now.

Aloha,
Tori

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2 thoughts on “No Man’s Land

  1. Hiya Tori,
    We are running parralel here as i view my transition world as sort of a Big Blurry Grey area between MtF. I am just waiting to see where the universe wants me. gender fluid or Full time, Who knows. I am having a great time finding myself though. I love the way your words speak to me so dont quit writing ever. And keep using Coconut oil! 🙂
    Jennifer in Utah

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