I know it is just a number. It means something to me though. Half a year on hormones. Wow.
Time has flown by, and it has crawled as well. Something about finally transitioning forces me to look inwards. I look for all the little changes. I am growing used to the slow pace of things now. Changes do not happen over night. At first, I kind of expected things to happen more quickly, now I am pleased with the rate of change. Any faster and my brain might break.
I just want to give a bit of an update. I have covered some of these things in other posts but I have really tried to cover as many new things as possible. Hopefully you find this as interesting as I do.
What is there to say? I do not really know. Six months and the new car smell is fading. Transition has become the new normal. Quite frankly, things are getting a bit boring.
After my libido drastically changed, I started growing boobs, my skin softened making everything I touch feel different, my body odor completely altered, my emotions became vibrant, my need to talk and talk and talk happened, my depression lifted, I finally want to leave the house, I am getting thunder thighs, junk in the trunk, my eyes are more open, my cheeks are fuller, I have a female hormonal cycle, I listen more, I empathize, and on and on and on… after all this change, things just feel normal. Every single thing is different. And it is normal. Change is the new normal.
I honestly do not remember what testosterone felt like. Crazy, huh? I am sure I would immediately recognize it if I was given some, not that I ever would go that route. My male self is fading away and I am loving damn near every single minute of it.
Does that mean I feel female? I have no clue. I do not know what that is supposed to feel like. Do I feel the same as other women? You tell me. I wish I knew. I never will. I feel like myself finally. I can get used to this.
I actually find myself feeling bad for other people because they have no need for transition and therefore will never know the catharsis transition brings.
It is amazing what I have learned by walking a mile in both sex’s shoes. It cracks me up to think trans folk are often considered second class citizens. We know so much more about the human condition simply by living more than one life. I find guys asking me things like, “Why do women go to the bathroom in packs?” and I am able to answer them. Why? So they can talk behind your back. Happy now?
Women are so accepting of me. It is amazing how different women behave when no man is around. God we talk a lot. Most of it is mind numbingly boring. Sometimes I just want some guy talk. Funny but true. I miss it. Guys don’t always think I still want to talk that way. My interests have not changed just my hormones.
On a side note, people keep asking me when my voice is going to change. Lots of people really think hormones will raise my pitch. It sadly does not work that way. I wish it did. I have to consciously change my voice and I have to get rid of my beard. Those things do not come with a round trip ticket.
My facial hair grows much more slowly now though. It takes about two weeks to grow what I could in three days. My body hair has slowed its growth as well, and it is becoming female hair. I hardly have a dark arm hair anymore. Sadly, the one area I want to change the most, is holding out the longest. Honestly, why does my chest hair still grow so fast and thick? It grows like three times faster than the rest of my body hair. Boob stubble is as bad as it sounds. Also, my boobs are tender. Imagine shaving around a fleshy areola. Imagine getting laser hair removal or electrolysis on such a tender area. Ah, trans world problems…
It may surprise some of you to learn that I frequently grow my beard out. If I don’t have to go out in girl mode, I can rest my face and allow the nicks and cuts from shaving to heal. Besides, I hate shaving. Also, a few days growth allows for a much closer shave. I really can’t wait to be done with the beard entirely. Even concealer doesn’t cover it completely. People will never see me as female up close until the beard is gone. It will take at least a year and cost a lot of money. Also, hair removal always hurts like Hell.
Speaking of expensive things, I am seriously considering the surgery. That is a decision for another day, but I am really starting to lean that way. I do not exactly hate my junk, not like some trans women, but it is pretty darn useless now. It would be nice to have some peace of mind in a changing room, or be able to wear a swimsuit. Yeah, I live in Hawaii, and getting in the water is now an issue. I would look odd in a bikini top, and I would look odd in a wet t shirt.
My mental state has vastly improved. I am still crazy. Everybody is. But my craziness has shifted. I am exponentially less likely to go to dark places. So much of my craziness was rooted in being closeted and dysphoric, and by transitioning, it is like the crazy has been uprooted and is now looking for other places to take hold. I swear it is like playing whack a mole sometimes. I don’t always know when or where it will pop up. My new crazy is much easier to handle though since it is no longer rooted in having the wrong chemicals operating my brain. Still, I know some of my friends have talked with me since I began transition and I was not entirely all there. I imagine this will fade over time. I am very damaged goods, and that doesn’t just heal over a day. I am very thankful to my friends who have talked me through some of my, for lack of a better term, episodes. What can I say? I am sane and crazy at the same time. The sane part is pretty new to me. The crazy part is in constant flux.
My need to drink myself into delusion on a daily basis has been greatly reduced, although I am an alcoholic and if I am not constantly diligent, it takes me over. Thankfully, I am a much more loving drunk than ever before. I mean REALLY loving. I think I have confessed my love to like twenty people, not counting my wife, since I started transition and some of those folks were really freaked out by it. Beats being freaked out by my rage, but it is far from perfect. I really am so happy now, and so able to feel love, that I just can not contain it if I am less than sober. It is overwhelming, the joy I feel, and I just want to share it. Just know, if I start gushing you with love, I am probably drunk and I do love you, just not the way it may sound at the time. I don’t have a lot of practice with these new emotions, nor am I used to being happy.
I always knew hormones do not do everything but it is really sinking in now. I have a lot of work to do. Being a woman is not easy. Learning to be a woman at thirty eight is damn near crazy hard. I was not raised into it. Never had girlfriends helping me learn what looks good on me. Never learned the unspoken social rules. Never learned how to walk or gesture.
People tell me it is a good thing I am an actor. In a way this is true, but I really feel like I have been playing a male all my life and now I kind of want a break. I do not wish to force things. At the same time, in my heart of hearts I want people to see a woman when they see me. I want them to hear a female when I talk. Being so obviously trans is akin to wearing a scarlet letter. I would rather choose who does and does not get to know. I am not ashamed of being trans, I just know it can be dangerous to be so obviously trans.
I am losing the ability to walk through the bad part of town all by myself. This is quite a loss. I always loved the ability to go and blend in anywhere. Now, not only am I more at risk, I am much weaker. It was easy taking my male musculature for granted. Opening jars is getting to be pretty hard.
Ultimately, y’all can see how happy I now am. I am frequently astounded by how effective these hormones are. All the doubts I had before transition were off base. Six months down. The rest of my life to go.