Not Fade Away
Believe it or not, I have really worked hard at not forcing my transition in any particular direction. I know, switching from testosterone to estrogen kinda’ forces one’s hand. Still, I only get to do this once. I want to experience it as it comes, not try to guide it. Few people get the opportunity to see the world from male and then female hormones. Hell, not many would want to… not the way I have to do it. As an actor, I would hate to miss out on the odd little details. In the process, I have had a chance to discover ME, not male me or female me, ME me. I like what I have seen. May I never lose ME again.
Oy! Transition! It is so slow. Really. That is a good thing. I guess. Of course, I would love to wake up in the morning and poof! Be entirely female. But this puberty is a rite of passage and it really is something I have needed to experience since, well since my last puberty took me in the other direction. Besides, when things happen too quickly, I find myself confused, frightened, lost even.
I need to accept this transition, and so far, I, for the most part, really do. I am relishing it, like, 90% of the time. In fact, I am enjoying life so much, time has slowed to a crawl, and I now have time to stop and smell the roses. It is as if I am becoming younger as I age. And yet, some of the time, I am riddled with fear. I have doubts. I mourn the passing of my former self. Life can not be ALL positive. Otherwise, how would we appreciate the good things? My mind is a wonderful, transitional mess, and I have very good seats.
Funny things that may surprise some of you. I have not often been compelled to wear women’s clothing, not before transition, not during transition… until very recently. Now, I am growing to loathe my current wardrobe. “What should I wear?” is a question I keep asking myself. Clothing is now much more of a statement than it has been at any point in my life, even if I just want to do boring things. Presentation is an extension of my personality. It is my armor. Right now, my wardrobe tends to fail in representing my personality accurately. On that note, so does my hairline…
I went into this transition feeling very butch, and that butch-ness has been slipping away. That is one of the strangest things to happen so far. It is as if my self identity is changing. This has been a fairly recent development. Until lately, I have felt much like I always did, only happier and less aggressive. Now my masculinity is fleeing. It is a very strange to experience. Gender in my mind, differs from masculinity or femininity. I have never been very masculine, but I am becoming less so from moment to moment. This is making room for a more feminine me to emerge. I guess this is what I signed up for… and hormones play a part, so does talking openly as my female self. Still, unlike so many transitioners, I do not need to deny knowing Tommy, like Peter denied knowing Jesus.
I am trading my emotional volatility for emotional vulnerability. Vulnerability is not to be mistaken for weakness. I can respond emotionally to things now, like I never imagined I would ever do, and I have always been an emotional person. But, feeling giddy? Frequently? Crying happy tears, and laughing through them? Listening to others and their opinions (Still a work in progress, but progress is the key word. Major progress is being made.)? My brain wiring is being upgraded, and it is happening faster and more extremely than I ever anticipated.
A note about being scatter-brained. Ok, I think I get it now. I am becoming scatter-brained. That means I am often thinking about 47 things at the same time and do not quite know how to use words in real time to express it all. So far, writing is much easier than speaking. Ahhhh puberty…
I am sure this 2nd puberty will settle down as I become used to this new way of thinking, responding to and processing things… as I become one with my new and softer skin.
There is a remarkable strength in femininity, and as I become one with my new hormonal make up, I am so thankful for this emerging strength. There is so much about being feminine that my testosterone filled brain would not allow me to understand, and I confess, like so many men, I did from time to time see females as weak. Oops. Nothing could be further from the truth. Females are stronger than male culture may ever know.
I do not know what exactly is causing it, a change in perspective, a difference in brain wiring, a change in pheromonal response or what, but I am having such an easy time conversing with women now, about the most mundane things, and it is like waking up and suddenly knowing how to speak Latin fluently… with the exception that Female is not a dead language. I primarily speak of the women who do not know I am mid-transition. The women who have no clue still communicate differently.
There is so much strength within the women I know and have conversed with. Really, I was frightened to lose my strength when I started this journey, and in a sense I am losing strength. My body is shrinking in all but one place (guess which) due to muscle loss. Testosterone is a steroid, and I am off the juice. Weaker, yet stronger.
So… this post is all over the place, in some ways. Yet, I think the theme here is: I fear I will not recognize myself once transitioned. I fear others will not recognize me either. I fear a loss of strength.
My fears are unfounded, and yet, in many ways, those fears are becoming reality at the same time. It is a fascinating way to live life.